Loving You

Starting something with someone you know is going to eventually steal your heart is one of the best feelings in the world. Granted we never know when that someone is actually going to come along but when they do we know that no matter what happens, they will always be the one you love with your whole heart. They always seem to turn everything around, when you’re upset they know just how to make you smile. When you’re so excited they share the excitement with you because they want you happy. They would give anything just to be with you, just to hear your voice or make you smile and laugh. They truly show excitement in being with you, no matter the time period you begin to love more and more and harder and harder. It doesn’t matter what mood you’re in, they’re always willing to do anything for you. They always express how much you mean to them.

Life eventually goes on though, people go through things and sometimes you drift apart. You grow as individuals and with that you either grow together or you grow apart and wonder what you’re doing now. Although you sit there and think at night while insomnia slowly kills you, you think to yourself on what you can do to fix your relationship. You love this person more than life itself, without them there is no happiness. You feel like you can’t lose them no matter the circumstances. So instead you think to yourself on how you can fix something so broken. Something so broken that you never even knew could be broken, you both were so happy. Things happen and then you both close off from each other and the world. You stop responding as fast, you stop talking to people all together. You try so hard to make each other open up but in the end, it gets you nowhere. You have no other choice but to go your separate ways in hopes that the universe will bring you back together and make the love come alive again.

It’s been a few days since you both went your separate ways. You can’t help but feel like garbage considering the one who made you the happiest when you were at your worst is now no longer with you. You delete pictures in your phone and throw away the ones that were printed out, because you can’t bare to look at the person who you left. You listen to music and eventually songs come on that remind you of them, including the song that they showed you that completely captured your heart. The moment you first heard it, it made you feel so many things and eventually you cry because the song reminds you of your relationship and how much you love them. The song plays on repeat as you sit in the shower crying contemplating on doing things that people would never forgive you for. Relapsing is the last thing people need to happen to you, so instead you drink your sorrows away or sleep all day and stay up all night crying.

One of the nights where you feel more lonely than anything and really need the person you made everything better, you send them a text in the middle of the night telling them you miss them. You don’t expect a response because after all it’s your fault that the two of you aren’t together anymore. You can’t sleep so instead you listen to music in your dark room and then suddenly your phone goes off. You get a response from them saying that they miss you too and you can’t help but feel all giddy inside because they miss you just like you miss them.  So you continue the conversation and by the end of it you just feel like garbage. You hurt both sides and at the same time you want nothing more than to have them near you. To hug them again or even kiss them again. All you can think about are the good times you both shared because ultimately the good outweighed the bad. You play back the memories of what went down and how happy you turned out to be. 

You don’t expect anything from them, you figure you lost your chance with them even though you love and miss them dearly so you download dating apps to get some new people to talk to and help get your mind off of things. It works for a little bit, you talk and talk and forget everything that happened for the time being. The thing that hits you the most is when you come across someone who had dealt with the same issue that you’re dealing with currently and they let you know that it doesn’t have to be over. You understand what they have to say and understand that a lot had been happening for them and you didn’t know how to handle it, so instead of talking it out you left them to deal with their problems by themselves. When you understand everything you can’t help but sit and wonder why you had to be so selfish and leave the person you love. 

They constantly sit in the back of your mind even when you have things that you need to be focused on, but you can’t seem to get your head straight knowing that the reason for your pain is from your own stupid decisions. A couple more days pass by and when you really need them the most but can’t bring yourself to tell them that you need them or miss them, you get a text. A text saying they miss you as if they knew you needed them. As if they knew that your life has been hell without them for you to constantly talk to and constantly make jokes with and share love with. They suddenly calm you down with one text that only says “I miss you.“. You feel at home even though they aren’t there with you, they are home for you. You want nothing more than to be in their arms and just cry out the pain that you caused yourself. You just want to tell them that you love them to try and make the hurt go away, to try and justify why you did what you did.

Days start passing by and you start talking more and realizing that you need to talk with them and start to work things out. In the back of your mind when asking if they would want to talk things through, you think that they don’t want to and you start doubting yourself. Nothing compares to the doubt that stays in your mind because for the months that you were together and loved each other, that doubt stayed and made you believe that they would just end up leaving you anyway. Soon you get the same text saying that they would also like to work through everything and suddenly you feel like everything is falling into place, or so you thought. You still have your demons in you and your depression and anxiety kick in, so in the middle of the night you cry and cry because you don’t deserve their love. You don’t deserve to feel the happiness that they brought you for the months that you were together. You love them but in the end, you feel like you’re just a burden. Your depression gets worse and more and more you start thinking about your suicide.

You can’t go to them because all you want to do is bring the happy memories back but at the same time you can’t think clearly. Your thoughts are foggy and you don’t know how to determine whether or not they really need you. Of course you’re going to be there for them when they need you though because you don’t want them to worry about you, but you can’t help but worry about them when they need you the most. Finally you crack, they do one simple thing that just makes you break down and make you feel like garbage because you’re burdening them with your problems. You get upset because you don’t know why they stay with you, why they continuously support you or show you nothing but love. They reassure you, they tell you what they see in you and why they love you. You cry even more because you don’t feel worthy of their love but their going to give it to you anyway.

No matter what happens and what life brought us or threw at us, through everything, I never stopped loving you. Loving you was one and still is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my lifetime. I love you with my whole being and no matter what goes on that wont change. You were the first person I gave my whole heart to and opened up to. You make me smile and laugh without even trying. I love you and always will. You will always have a place in my heart because you were the first everything. Thank you.

To: You

Dear Susie,

Hey, I know this a little weird but hear me out. I’m gonna pour everything out, everything that you know or maybe don’t know either way.. this is for you. So, enjoy.

When everything started out, I had no intention of dating anyone let alone fall in love. It started as a bet which kinda makes me sound like a bad person but its how it started. I was involved in a stupid bet with my best friends at the bowling alley. We made a bet to see who could get more girls on Tinder. I know it sounds bad but it happened and it happened after I had gotten out of an abusive relationship. I was down for whatever could help get my mind off of this girl who I thought I loved, obviously it was the worst thing ever. We all had our Tinder profiles set up and on top of it we had a deadline. One week was all it took for me to win the bet, those boys didn’t stand a chance against me. I won the bet and we all agreed to leave the profiles and just talk and possibly make friends. None of us wanted a relationship, but I knew the girl I wanted to talk to. I talked to you. I talked to the most beautiful girl, someone who was funny and cracked jokes with me about working in a bowling alley. From then on, you were the only girl who I continued to talk to, and even though we didn’t meet in this big romantic way.. we still met and thank god we did.

From Tinder, I gave you my phone number and made up some stupid excuse saying that my Tinder was acting weird. It actually wasn’t, I just wanted your number and to continue talking to you. I know it’s cheesy but guess what, I got to talk to the girl who I enjoyed talking to more than anything. I had told my boys at work that I continued talking to you and I remember they were so cautious with it. They wanted me to be happy and didn’t want me to go through the same thing that I had went through with the ex. I understood where they came from but every single time you had sent me a text, my face lit up and I couldn’t help but smile. We continued to talk and get to know each other and I remember getting butterflies and being so happy that someone understood me and had similar interests. Someone who wasn’t weirded out about me wanting to go to school to become a forensic pathologist.

Around July 9th, 2018 we decided to start calling each other baby, or babe. Do what couples did, and even though we didn’t “make it official” by asking each other out, we understood each others wavelengths and knew that we both wanted each other. At this point we still hadn’t met and I was totally okay with it and didn’t push it because I was scared. I was scared that when you had seen me in real life and not just in photos, you wouldn’t want me anymore. You would think that I’m not your type or something like that. I was scared of even getting into a relationship with someone because I didn’t trust after her. You eventually showed me that nothing else mattered except us. You showed me that I could trust you, you made me laugh and smile. I swear the butterflies were insane.

Shortly after we had told each other we loved each other, by far one of the best moments of my life. The love that I had to give you was reciprocated and it was intense. There was so much love that it was crazy. I hadn’t been this happy in a while and with you telling me you loved me, came me telling you everything about what had happened in my past. I was so sure your opinion of me was going to change, but it didn’t. You didn’t show pity or sympathy. Instead you told me that you loved me and your opinion didn’t change. I was so relieved that the girl I had fallen in love with didn’t want to leave me just because I was messed up.

October 12th, 2018 rolls around and you show up at my house. I was still in the shower when you had showed up and I remember being so happy that my best friend was standing in my house, was playing with my animals. Was just happy to be there, I laughed and went to finish my shower. You stayed with me until close to 3:00 AM and it was the best night of my life. We had our first kiss and we were both so awkward. Standing there not knowing who would make the first move and when they would make the first move. We laughed every time we even got remotely close to kissing each other. Our first kiss was something that I couldn’t stop thinking about, I was constantly smiling and had butterflies in my stomach because the most beautiful girl, who was my girlfriend, who was my best friend, who meant everything to me was with me and loved me. I couldn’t have asked for a better night.

From there we were pretty much with each other every weekend after that. We constantly talked about how much we missed each other even though we had seen each other the previous Friday. I waited so long for Friday to come every single week. I was always so excited to see you. I always looked at my lock screen on my phone because it was a picture of us from the first night we met. It was and still is my favorite picture. I never for a second ever missed a chance to screenshot your snaps that you had sent me. Didn’t matter what it said, I was trapped in awe of my girlfriend.

Now here we are at six months, and I’m sure this isn’t how we imagined we’d end up. BUT, I went into 2019 with the person who has my heart. I went into 2019 with the person who I loved the most. I loved you then and I love you now. Relationships have rough patches and that’s fine but, not a moment goes by where you’re not in my head. Where I don’t miss you on my bed, when I’m not missing your kisses, or you playing with my hair. Six months is a long time to be with someone especially when life had been treating someone so horribly. I love you Susie, and I don’t think I’m gonna stop anytime soon.

Here we are into the new year with so many new opportunities. I promised that 2019 was going to be our year and I don’t intend on breaking that promise. I’m here to stay, I’m here to annoy you and serenade you no matter what. You truly have my heart and not a moment goes by where I regret opening up to you. Right now, It’s me and you against the world and I’m not sorry about it. You are my partner in crime and my lover. Classic Bonnie and Clyde. Well you know, the whole love part.. maybe not the crime. Would Romeo and Juliet be better?? No it wouldn’t that story didn’t end well. How about instead, it’s our own story. Haven’t thought of a name but it’s ours and we’re writing it. I love you. More than you know.

Enjoy.

-Charity Renee Lingle

Would it be different without you?

There’s a lot that people tell you when you’re depressed. They tell you that you don’t have anything to be upset about or that you look so much better when you smile. Sometimes you sit there and you fake the smile that people want to see on you just so that they don’t ask you any questions, because you don’t want to burden them with your problems. You try to be happy and see it the way other people see your depression, but nothing seems to work. You go to the doctor and they give you medication. You take it thinking it will help and then you sit there and contemplate on if it’s even worth it. If you’ll ever get better or if you’ll ever be as happy as what you once were.

You feel empty on the inside. You’ve been suicidal before but never like this, you attempt to take your life. Not once, but multiple times thinking that the world would be so much better without you. You think that no matter what happens your family will move on because your younger sibling is what will make them happy after you’re gone. You go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and turn on the shower in hopes maybe just maybe a hot shower will help you feel better. Instead you sit down and hold yourself. Your tears mix in with the water and you sit there and sob. Not knowing what to do since your own life is meaningless. You have no hope left and just want everything to go away.

Suddenly your performance is dropping and you have no desire to fix it. Instead of going to work, you stay home and sleep all day. You stay in your room filled with the depression and anxiety and let it consume you. People walk in and you hide, you don’t want them to see you like this to become a burden on them. You don’t want them to worry. You feel that the less they see of you the better of they’ll be. You sit up at night, in tears writing about how nothing helps you anymore. How desperately you want to turn back to drugs so they can take your life and you can finally leave this earth. You have a girlfriend who would do anything for you. Who tries so hard to get you out of the “funk” you’re in, because that’s all it is.. a “funk”.

You try and reach out for help at a point and instead your feelings get dismissed. You feel like a piece of trash, even more than what you did before you reached out. Your suicide attempts are for attention, a cry for help. Not you actually wanting to take your life and wanting to be free from the hell that faces you every day. You eventually lose your job because of the fact that you’d rather be home sleeping and hiding. You have no money for the holidays. You feel worthless. Continuing to write about what makes you upset and what you can do to fix it. You never get around to fixing it, instead you make it worse but staring at your pills and contemplating on taking your life.

Then suddenly a family member passes away and your family needs you. You’re so disconnected you’d rather be in your room hiding away, still letting the depression consume you. Now you’re a ball of sadness that nobody wants to be with. You’re family tells you to either suck it up or get out. Instead you’re willing to take the chance of getting kicked out so you die on the streets. You’re done with trying to please everyone because you know that you’ll just disappoint. You feel nothing but emptiness. You can’t do anything right at this point. You go back on your writings and realize that even your writing is horrible. Something you enjoyed doing, you now saw as something you could never be good at.

Nothing helps you, you should be excited going into the new year with the person you love, getting a new job lined up that will help you out tremendously. Instead, your six months hit with the person you love and everything goes downhill. You haven’t heard one thing about your new job yet. Instead you drink your problems away, wanting to turn to drugs again and wishing that just once your attempts worked and you wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore. Just face it. You’re not worth anything to anyone. You’re nothing but a burden. You cry yourself to sleep because you can’t talk to anyone. You walk outside and smoke your cigarette, closing your eyes.. wondering if it would have been different without you. If people would have missed you, if your girlfriend would have moved on smoothly not even wondering about you. If your room would have been transformed into something else without a trace of you in sight.

Your depression constantly overwhelms you and the people around you. You can’t keep people around because truth is, you’re worthless. Nobody wants you. Kiss it goodbye. You find it not worth it anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Not that it ever mattered. Say I love you and goodbye. You’re garbage.

I have PCOS..

I have PCOS, which stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s nothing fatal and believe me I’m fine. Sort of. Dealing with PCOS is actually kind of hard, and it’s not because I’m in any pain or anything. In all reality I was fine physically but mentally, I was devastated. My story on this is not something to make other people be upset or anything like that, this is to make sure that people are aware and make sure that they go to their doctors regularly and report anything that they think is wrong with their bodies or periods. Yes, this story will consist of the word period(s), you may have your ten second freak out and then be grown up.

This is where my story starts. I got my first period when I was about 11, I remember I was freaking out and woke my mom up in the middle of the night and told her I loved her and that god was taking me to heaven. She literally looked at me like I was stupid and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was bleeding from down there and she took me into the bathroom and explained that I had gotten my first period and this was the first step into womanhood. I was freaking out when she told me that and thanking the gods that I wasn’t dead just yet. Fast forward to about 14, I started having irregular periods, which is normal. I told my mom and she honestly was not that worried about it and basically said that it was gonna be okay and I was going to live. I still was not old enough to go to an OBGYN and could not have anything looked at to be sure that nothing was wrong.

I hit 16, I was still having those irregular periods but, every time I would get my period it would always be heavy and have really bad clots. It was still considered normal at this time. I wouldn’t tell anyone when things got really bad with these periods because I always considered it normal. I still had not been old enough to go and get a checkup with an OB and it was just pure torture. I was worried about it but not to worried to the point it was all I thought about. My 17th birthday comes and I hadn’t had my period in a while and I mean from like October of 2016 to May of 2017. Now I was scared, I had told my mom and she was telling me that we would see what we could do about me getting into a doctor to have everything checked out. Instead of talking about my periods, we talked about my depression and my self harm. Not what I wanted, but it was when my family was going through a rough time so it made sense for me to be upset. Plus I wasn’t having periods and everyone thought I was pregnant.

I hit 18. These clots are getting worse and worse. My periods were pretty far apart but came in hot and heavy. It was some of the worst times of my life. I didn’t have my period for most of the year and if I thought I got my period I was always prepared but nothing stayed for a long time. I was close to a couple hours to a day max. Well now we fast forward to September of 2018. I’m sicker than a dog and having the worst period I’ve ever had. I see that I’ve gained weight and just thought that I was bloated. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to even go to work, I stayed in the shower most of the time to make the hot water hit my stomach where the cramps were. I was going through tampons after an hour. I had gone through 2 boxes of tampons in a week. Worst time of my life.

One day I get into the shower to take my daily shower and just sit and relax, well I had felt this pressure against my stomach almost to the point where is if I was pushing to have a baby?? I felt the need to push as if I was having a baby and here comes the biggest clot my body has ever created. I had a doctors appointment to have a checkup on my uterus and see if there was anything wrong with it. With that clot coming out of my body I was mortified, I didn’t know how to handle what was going on. My mom came in the bathroom and told me that my doctors appointment was soon and that I need to hurry up. I stood up to wash my hair and all I see are black dots and I immediately fall onto the side of the tub and catch my breath. No sooner did that happen I was throwing up in the shower. I managed to get my hair washed and my mom comes in to help me get out of the shower and get dressed. I managed to get a tampon in and get dressed. I wasn’t even able to brush my hair. I get dressed and I end up throwing up again. My mom didn’t even want me brushing my teeth because she was so scared that I was going to make myself sick to the core.

My mom calls the doctor and asks what she needs to do. The doctor tells her, “She needs to go to the ER and quick”. That entire sentence was the scariest thing I had ever heard. I get into the car and my mom is trying to get the hospital quickly and making sure I don’t fall asleep in the car. I’m lightheaded and really don’t even know where I am. We get to the ER tell them what’s happening and show my proof that I am who I say I am, and now we wait. 10 Short minutes go by and we’re back telling the nurses whats going on. I see a doctor who tells me he wants to do some tests before anything happens. I start crying out of nowhere mainly because I am terrified, I am completely pale and not breathing. The heart monitor constantly goes off because I am not breathing. The doctor comes back in after 30 minutes or so and tells me he wants to do an ultrasound. I’m terrified.

I don’t know what they will tell me, I don’t know if they’re going to find something that it going to cause major damage to my body or anything along those lines. The nurse tells me and my mom that she was going to get my ultrasounds looked at by the OBGYN. I’m nervous as all heck at this point. I’m in tears and having a major panic attack because I have no idea what the hell is happening. Close to a half hour goes by and the doctor comes back in the room and tells me I need to be admitted. Now since I had blood going down my legs constantly they decided to leave me on the gurney and roll me to the room that I was going to be in. The bed had a pad on it and everything which made me feel absolutely disgusting let me tell you. I end up getting from one bed to another and just relax, even though I seriously cannot relax at this point. At this point I’m completely petrified for my life and my body to even actually focus on the positives that my mom was telling me. I had close to four panic attacks in just that one day. It was terrifying. The night shift is starting so my doctor comes in and introduces herself along with the nurse that was going to be assisting her. They were both very kind and helped me keep my mind off of my body and the ginormous amount of blood that was leaving my body.

This was my first night in the hospital now and my mom left and went home to her bed. Somewhere I wished I was. Unfortunately I was constantly being woken up. At around 2:30 AM the doctor and everyone else that was taking a look at my issue, decided I needed a blood transfusion. Weirdest thing I had ever done, granted I had no choice due to the amount of blood loss that was happening within the clots. Every time I had gone to the bathroom they wanted me to keep everything in the toilet, if my clots missed the bowl that they had put on the toilet then I could not flush so they could take a look at every clot to make sure that they were going down.

Second day in the hospital, I’m freaking out. I’m scared and I just want to be home. My mom and my brother came to visit me along with my grandma and they were all hungry and wanted me to eat something as well. I ordered a small grilled cheese and a jell-o. The minute I finished eating, I had thrown up. I couldn’t keep my food down, and could barely keep my water down. The doctors and nurses kept checking on me like they normally do and had all come to the conclusion that I needed another blood transfusion and that I’m losing blood at a rapid pace. They do the transfusion and also give me a hormone pill to kind of help slow down the bleeding and keep me alive. Not only did I have those, but I also had compression pads on my legs to help the blood flow through my legs and not clot up.

My blood tests had come back and at the same time of my blood still being low they also found out that I was anemic. By night three I was done, I was ready to go home and done with all the tests. The plus side was that day four I got good news. I was able to go home and kick it for the rest of the day. The clots had stopped and I was prescribed the meds that I needed to take in order to keep my blood in good shape. Dealing with the hospital and everything that I had experienced was an absolute nightmare. These hospital bills are even worse…

Make sure you go to your doctor, keep up with your check ups.. You never know which one is going to help save your life. Being told you have PCOS at the age of 18 is absolutely heart wrenching and something I never wanted to hear. It’s very common in teenage girls and something that is very serious. Take care of yourself, you never know what could happen. Stay safe and stay healthy.

To The Man That Hurt Me

I’ve written this several different times, I cant seem to find the right words to put down but I’m just going to wing it at this point. The words are probably still going to be wrong but here goes nothing. Earlier I was talking to my girlfriend and things kind of took a turn. She went out and saw someone she absolutely hates for her own personal reasons that I wont get into. It made me think though, she’s a strong individual who I love with all my being but I’m not as strong. I was hurt for years. I was taken advantage of when my parents had a rough patch in their marriage. I was molested by a man I never thought would hurt me.

He hurt me in a way that a little girl should never be hurt. I lost everything the first night it happened. I remember it so vividly. His hands were freezing cold, he never cared or had any remorse for what he did while he was doing it. He felt remorse when he got called out. When it happened I was in a rough spot, my family was in a rough spot. We didn’t know how much longer my parents were even going to be together. We wanted to be a happy family. He made me feel safe and he made me remember that nothing that happened with my parents was my fault. He even got close with my mom to make me feel better. He payed more attention to me than he did his own kid.

This obviously isn’t something that’s easy to talk about, I know what kind of attention this whole thing will get but the thing that I’m the most worried about is me finally getting back to normal. So to the man that hurt me, I’m doing better not 100% yet but better. I’m not worried about what’s gonna happen if I get my story out there. People need to know that what happened doesn’t make me feel any less important. Yes, I felt absolutely disgusting and couldn’t sit in the shower long enough, people told me to get over it.. they told me it “wasn’t like I was raped or anything”. I never knew if it was going to get to that point but you know what? I don’t appreciate you for what you did like other people might, I appreciate that I made it through it. You’re a monster and I don’t regret saying that. People like you don’t change.

I don’t wake up screaming and crying anymore. I still hurt, I hurt because your daughter hurt me just as bad as you did. You made me stay up for hours wondering if I’ll ever be able to live my life the same. Wondering if people knew what happened and could see right through me. Wondering if I was ever going to be able to trust another male. The answer to that last one is no. I can’t trust men, I’m working on it. I can’t be around a grown man for more that a minute or else I have a panic attack. People know that I was hurt. They know, you know, and I know. Nobody is safe from you, I hope one day they take you down for what you did. You don’t deserve a single thing you have. I hope you rot.

You took everything, and you’re not sorry for it.

Graduating.

The time has come. I’m about to be a 2018 high school graduate. It’s crazy to think that I could even get this far. I thought I was going to drop out and get kicked out because I couldn’t handle everything that was going on around me. Let alone get up at 5:00 in the morning to get ready for school. High school itself has been an amazing experience for me. I learned what happens in the real world and how people can actually be. I lost people and I made friends. Right now this is my tribute to them. It’s different but they deserve to be thanked. I already thanked all the teachers and everyone who helped me get here and now it’s my friends turns.

Steven Rue: Thank you. Thank you for making me laugh when I always needed it. Thank you for having funny facetime conversations with me. Running to me at 12:30 in the morning because you’re bored. I love you dude, you’ve become my best friend in such a short amount of time and no matter how much I may be an asshole, you still put up with me. I have so much love for you it’s crazy. Thank you for being Steven and loving me with your whole heart.

Cierra Halliburton: We’ve had ups and downs but always seem to find a way back to each other. I love you so much man. You’ve been my best friend for years and I’m always thankful for the things you have done and continue to do for me. I’m thankful for your parents giving me a place to stay when I really needed to get away from my house. I appreciate you listening to me when I needed to vent. I hope after graduation you become one of the most famous tattoo artists there is. You’re amazingly talented and it deserves to be shared with the world.

Kaelan Weatherly: Wow wow wow. You have done so much for me and I haven’t even met you yet. You’re one of a kind. I’m so proud of you for recently discovering yourself and I hope I made you proud. You’re not only one of my best friends but you’re a sister to me. You’ve done more than anyone would ever want to do for me with the distance between us. I can’t wait for the day that I meet the person who I look up to. I’ve told you more about me and my life than I have with anyone else that I’ve become close with on social media. You were there when I lost people and when I gained people. You gained my trust so quick and I know originally we weren’t even trying to be friends but I’m glad this is how the universe wanted us. I love you Kaelan. More than you’ll ever know.

Abby Bauman/Alissa Benedetti: You two. You two are my kids. I love you both so much. I love the rest of my newspaper kids too but I’ve grown such an amazing bond with you two. You two have always looked out for me and I will always look out for you. I have so much love for you two. I have faith that you two are going to do amazing things. Remember this as well, just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean that I’m gone forever. I’ll always be there for you two for as long as you need me. I know how you guys get and I know that sometimes you just need someone. I’m here for the both of you. Thank you for everything that you two have done for me.

I lost a lot of people during senior year. Let me just say that I don’t wish you the worst. You’re time will come. I hope nobody hurts you like you have hurt me. I like to think of it this way, you made me the person I am. I am a person who doesn’t take anything from anyone due to the heartbreak you have caused me. I trusted you but I didn’t lose my trust in other people. Maybe you’ll do great things or maybe you wont. Either way, take care of yourself for the sake of your families. It was nice while it lasted but I’m onto better things. All of them without you. Take care.

I Lied to Myself

I lied to myself. I was told that my anxiety and depression would take over my life. For a good period of time it did. I wasn’t myself, I never acted like myself. I always had a huge smile on my face and I was always laughing. When my depression and anxiety came around due to me being bullied for a good three years and being insecure. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone and when I was made fun of for being different, it really led me down a dark path. I did drugs, I was partying all the time, I self harmed and at a certain point in my life I was suicidal and tried to kill myself because the pain that these people were inflicting on me was more than I could take.

I lied to myself and told myself that I was worthless. I told myself that no matter what I did, I’d still be ugly and unlovable. My smile was ugly, I was a disgusting cow. When I would party and do everything that no 14 year old was supposed to do, I felt good about myself and people wanted me. They wanted and eventually got me. They made me feel like me being a lesbian wasn’t a valid thing in my lifetime. So I told myself I wasn’t a lesbian, I had all these guys who wanted to use me and I wasn’t gay so why would I argue? I had everything set. All these guys wanted me and I “wanted” them.

I lied to everyone around me. Said I was fine when I had so many problems that I needed to figure out. So many issues that nobody should ever deal with. So many people that wanted to see me suffer. Sadly, that’s just what I did. I suffered. I did what I had to do in order to make myself seem valuable and not vulnerable. So I got a boyfriend. Everything felt wrong with this whole situation, but I mean I didn’t really know what felt right and what felt wrong. I eventually thought I loved this boy, thought I would die for him. In reality, I would die from him. He was abusive, but I stayed. I “loved” him.

He lied to me. Said I was his forever, told me he loved me. No love should make other people feel like they’re worthless. That’s what he did. He made me feel sorry for myself and cheated. He didn’t help me leave the scene I was in previously. He made me stay in it and get him drugs when he needed a fix. He made me join him and nothing in my life would get done. I almost failed my freshman year of high school. He’s the one that held me back when I tried to get help for myself.

They lied to me when they said there wasn’t going to be a split up. He was an alcoholic and she was hurting, either way I was caught in the middle. Nobody wants to deal with such serious things by themselves and sadly with everything I went through, I was by myself. I had nobody to hold me and tell me everything was okay and that I would make it through everything. Both sets of my grandparents would blame the other parent for the messed up marriage.

My life was a mess. I faced facts at that time, I was going to be a failure and a drug addict like the rest of my family. I was destined to fail. Nobody wanted me around unless it was to party. They didn’t care and still don’t. I was nothing.

Loss and Gains

Recently, I lost myself. I lost what I thought was everything to me. I felt like I was spiraling downward again and eventually going to get into the same habits that I had in the previous years and that’s something I never wanted to experience again. So in order to not go down into that direction again, what did I have to do to better myself when dealing with something this significant in my life?

I lost my best friend of three years shortly after losing my great grandmother. I felt like I was losing pieces of me every day because I didn’t have my best friend there to help me through anything. Looking back on these events I understand where she came from. Was I still devastated? Absolutely. I would have done anything to turn back time and ask what I did wrong, ask what happened to the both of us. It was pretty obvious after a short amount of time, I shut everything off, I read, stayed in bed. You name it, I did it.

Therefore this meant that I had a lot of time to think to myself and constantly ask myself why, why, why. Why me? Why now? What happened? I never did anything wrong. Her reasoning was that our energies didn’t match up anymore, which was one of the truest reasons that I actually paid attention to. While dealing with the loss of these two people I cherished in my life, I thought to myself. I thought that maybe she was right, maybe it wasn’t me, maybe I’m being dramatic. She was right. We didn’t match up anymore. I was finally getting over things that happened in my life, I was getting better.

I was moving on with my life and moving forward. I focused and am still focusing on graduating high school in may, I am finally getting back to my old self. I’m happy and she isn’t. She has her own problems to deal with and sadly I can’t help her anymore because as mean as this sounds.. I have other things to worry about. Now this doesn’t mean that I wasn’t there for her or anything like that. I was there for her, I was her number one fan and her biggest supporter. Sadly things don’t always end up the way we want them to.

We don’t always get what we want and it sucks when you lose someone but she did what she thought was best for us both. Looking back on it now, I strongly agree with her. I don’t want her feeling like I’m pushing her to do anything of the sorts that she does not want to do and sadly I don’t want her holding me back. I have dreams and aspirations, I have plans to achieve these dreams and aspirations. I have a lot ahead of me and in this time I have plenty more heartbreaks to go through and her ending our friendship is probably a blessing in disguise but I’m not worried about it.

She gave me plenty of memories, memories that I wish to hold on to because I experienced my life with her. I experienced things with her that I never thought I would experience with anyone else. I’m young, I have plenty more things coming my way. I truthfully wish her the best and hold nothing against her. People deal with things that hurt every day. There’s gonna be a time always where something doesn’t go the way you planned and you can’t spend the rest of your life holding something against someone.

Not to mention you never know what life can throw at you or people around you. Nobody wants the last words to someone being “I hate you” or “I never want to see you again”. Don’t hold things against people. Come together as one and make the world better. Make yourself a better person. These do come with limits though. You also need to take care of yourself. Do what’s best for you while making the world a better place and a safer place. Be careful and let go. You’ll be okay, I was.

How does one Satisfy someone?

Now the title of this whole thing can either be the truth or very, very misleading. It all depends on how you as the reader interpret it. Now people ask a lot of questions when it comes to satisfying or pleasing someone that they like or are together with. The answer to that is not sex. Yes I realize I’m a teenager talking about such a serious topic but it got me thinking all because of a ‘Law and Order’ episode. This young girl was raped and killed but they revived her and as it turns out she believes she wasn’t raped because she thought her and the guy had a serious love relationship. She did everything she did because she believed it would “satisfy” this guy. There is so much more than that to satisfying someone. It doesn’t take much to please a man or a woman. Me as a teenager I see things that can possibly influence me, right? Wrong. I know what is right and what is wrong, I know what rape is and I know what consensual sex is and I certainly know the difference of it. I know that some teenagers are pressured actually anyone for that matter. Anyone can be pressured into having sex with someone. Someone can get pressured into marrying someone who they don’t want to marry. It’s tough being a man or a woman, being human is already difficult enough. Going into the real world is even tougher on us as a human being. We can only be nurtured by our parents for so long. Then we grow up and face real world problems and they can’t be fun. The world we live in is cruel and we all know the saying “Life is a bitch”. I guess what I’m really trying to address is the fact that nobody has to do something that they don’t want to do. Don’t think for a second that someone can force you to do something you don’t want to do, plain and simple.

Hi, I’m Charity

922

This here is a picture of me(:

Hi, I’m Charity. As all can tell I’m new to blogging and etc. I mainly wanted to start blogging because I normally have a lot to say if I’m being completely honest. I have a lot that goes down in my life but that is to be saved for later. So a little about me would kind of seem necessary for the moment. So as said before my name is Charity, I’m a 16 year old teenage girl, and I’m a junior in high school. I’m actually the middle child in my family. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. My mom has a good paying job as a billing collector and my father has a well paying job as well as a chef in a casino. Now my blog has the name ‘Hippy Charity’ because I am actually the only hippy in my family. Now I know what the average person thinks when I say “hippy”, see when I say “hippy” I mean a ‘new aged’ hippy because I know what hygiene is. I know how to take care of my body and my teeth and etc. When I say hippy I mean I am for certain things and against certain things. Certain things honestly just really anger me. Hate speech lets talk about that for a second, its wrong on so many levels. Why is someone going to constantly sit there and make someone feel bad because of their religion, sexuality, sex, race, gender, and etc. It’s wrong especially if that person is just a normal harmless person. A person who has never done anything wrong to that one person that decides to hate someone because of something so simple. I don’t support racism, sexism, third-way feminists and there is a reason for the third-way feminists, I don’t appreciate the fact that they believe that women are up top and should come first and etc. Feminism is about equality. It’s not equality if they believe that they should have a higher pay raise than men or women should have all eyes on them. They only focus on women. Women who are being raped, women who are committing suicide and etc. In reality of it all though, women aren’t the only ones. Men and boys are being raped, committing suicide, and all the problems that females have. I’m not bashing on anyone it’s just my opinion and that’s what my blog is mainly about. It’s mainly about my life and my opinions. Now things I do support would be gay marriage, equality, and etc. Anyway that’s just a little about me and what I’m mainly about.