Starting something with someone you know is going to eventually steal your heart is one of the best feelings in the world. Granted we never know when that someone is actually going to come along but when they do we know that no matter what happens, they will always be the one you love with your whole heart. They always seem to turn everything around, when you’re upset they know just how to make you smile. When you’re so excited they share the excitement with you because they want you happy. They would give anything just to be with you, just to hear your voice or make you smile and laugh. They truly show excitement in being with you, no matter the time period you begin to love more and more and harder and harder. It doesn’t matter what mood you’re in, they’re always willing to do anything for you. They always express how much you mean to them.
Life eventually goes on though, people go through things and sometimes you drift apart. You grow as individuals and with that you either grow together or you grow apart and wonder what you’re doing now. Although you sit there and think at night while insomnia slowly kills you, you think to yourself on what you can do to fix your relationship. You love this person more than life itself, without them there is no happiness. You feel like you can’t lose them no matter the circumstances. So instead you think to yourself on how you can fix something so broken. Something so broken that you never even knew could be broken, you both were so happy. Things happen and then you both close off from each other and the world. You stop responding as fast, you stop talking to people all together. You try so hard to make each other open up but in the end, it gets you nowhere. You have no other choice but to go your separate ways in hopes that the universe will bring you back together and make the love come alive again.
It’s been a few days since you both went your separate ways. You can’t help but feel like garbage considering the one who made you the happiest when you were at your worst is now no longer with you. You delete pictures in your phone and throw away the ones that were printed out, because you can’t bare to look at the person who you left. You listen to music and eventually songs come on that remind you of them, including the song that they showed you that completely captured your heart. The moment you first heard it, it made you feel so many things and eventually you cry because the song reminds you of your relationship and how much you love them. The song plays on repeat as you sit in the shower crying contemplating on doing things that people would never forgive you for. Relapsing is the last thing people need to happen to you, so instead you drink your sorrows away or sleep all day and stay up all night crying.
One of the nights where you feel more lonely than anything and really need the person you made everything better, you send them a text in the middle of the night telling them you miss them. You don’t expect a response because after all it’s your fault that the two of you aren’t together anymore. You can’t sleep so instead you listen to music in your dark room and then suddenly your phone goes off. You get a response from them saying that they miss you too and you can’t help but feel all giddy inside because they miss you just like you miss them. So you continue the conversation and by the end of it you just feel like garbage. You hurt both sides and at the same time you want nothing more than to have them near you. To hug them again or even kiss them again. All you can think about are the good times you both shared because ultimately the good outweighed the bad. You play back the memories of what went down and how happy you turned out to be.
You don’t expect anything from them, you figure you lost your chance with them even though you love and miss them dearly so you download dating apps to get some new people to talk to and help get your mind off of things. It works for a little bit, you talk and talk and forget everything that happened for the time being. The thing that hits you the most is when you come across someone who had dealt with the same issue that you’re dealing with currently and they let you know that it doesn’t have to be over. You understand what they have to say and understand that a lot had been happening for them and you didn’t know how to handle it, so instead of talking it out you left them to deal with their problems by themselves. When you understand everything you can’t help but sit and wonder why you had to be so selfish and leave the person you love.
They constantly sit in the back of your mind even when you have things that you need to be focused on, but you can’t seem to get your head straight knowing that the reason for your pain is from your own stupid decisions. A couple more days pass by and when you really need them the most but can’t bring yourself to tell them that you need them or miss them, you get a text. A text saying they miss you as if they knew you needed them. As if they knew that your life has been hell without them for you to constantly talk to and constantly make jokes with and share love with. They suddenly calm you down with one text that only says “I miss you.“. You feel at home even though they aren’t there with you, they are home for you. You want nothing more than to be in their arms and just cry out the pain that you caused yourself. You just want to tell them that you love them to try and make the hurt go away, to try and justify why you did what you did.
Days start passing by and you start talking more and realizing that you need to talk with them and start to work things out. In the back of your mind when asking if they would want to talk things through, you think that they don’t want to and you start doubting yourself. Nothing compares to the doubt that stays in your mind because for the months that you were together and loved each other, that doubt stayed and made you believe that they would just end up leaving you anyway. Soon you get the same text saying that they would also like to work through everything and suddenly you feel like everything is falling into place, or so you thought. You still have your demons in you and your depression and anxiety kick in, so in the middle of the night you cry and cry because you don’t deserve their love. You don’t deserve to feel the happiness that they brought you for the months that you were together. You love them but in the end, you feel like you’re just a burden. Your depression gets worse and more and more you start thinking about your suicide.
You can’t go to them because all you want to do is bring the happy memories back but at the same time you can’t think clearly. Your thoughts are foggy and you don’t know how to determine whether or not they really need you. Of course you’re going to be there for them when they need you though because you don’t want them to worry about you, but you can’t help but worry about them when they need you the most. Finally you crack, they do one simple thing that just makes you break down and make you feel like garbage because you’re burdening them with your problems. You get upset because you don’t know why they stay with you, why they continuously support you or show you nothing but love. They reassure you, they tell you what they see in you and why they love you. You cry even more because you don’t feel worthy of their love but their going to give it to you anyway.
No matter what happens and what life brought us or threw at us, through everything, I never stopped loving you. Loving you was one and still is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my lifetime. I love you with my whole being and no matter what goes on that wont change. You were the first person I gave my whole heart to and opened up to. You make me smile and laugh without even trying. I love you and always will. You will always have a place in my heart because you were the first everything. Thank you.