All that the years had to offer.

The new year is upon us as the year 2020 is literally a few days away, with that being said I’ve done a lot of reflecting on not just 2019 but the entire decade in itself. Which is wild, I know considering I give myself a migraine if I even try and do some basic math. Although the reflecting has definitely shown me some of the things that I can work on and what things are completely out of my control or what I couldn’t have prevented even if I tried doing it differently. I mean like for most people they just look at it as like a whole “YAY I DID IT AND I CAN CHANGE MY FLAWS NO PROBLEM”, but like for me it’s more of a “what the hell? what did I do wrong? why did they leave? why can’t I be better? I’m sorry I’m garbage..”. So clearly not as easy for me and I’m sure some people can relate to that, to where they just constantly overthink things.

Not all of the decade was bad though. There definitely were some good things to happen to me. First and foremost I finished high school when I thought I was going to dropout and not go anywhere in life. I came out to friends and family as a lesbian. I got into my first real relationship with a girl, and even though that relationship was not the best first relationship it helped me realize what I need for myself and what I desire in a partner. I was able to build my relationship back up with my family after destroying it while being depressed. I was able to build myself back up after constantly making myself feel like I was not worth it after everything had gone down with the man who sexually assaulted me. I became a person again after feeling empty. I’m proud of myself for kicking ass.

Most of the decade was devastating though. I lost people I loved and who I thought I could trust with my whole being. I lost family members. I lost pets. The decade has been filled with hurt and some disgust and maybe even as far as hatred. The last decade was a milestone that honestly I thought I was not going to get through. So much had happened to where I just didn’t see purpose anymore. This is when I turned to abusing substances and keeping dark secrets to myself. When I let the secrets out, I felt like I had let them out for no reason, nothing happened to the people who hurt me. Instead, I lost someone who I thought was my everything.

Now as the decade is coming to an end, I look back and realize that I am in such a better place. I have a girlfriend who is good to me and who knows how I operate who genuinely cares for me. My family is as annoying as ever but I still wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m becoming an adult and I’m doing adult things now. I have a good job, I bought my first car by myself. I’m doing so much better than I ever thought I was going to. I learned to love myself, I learned to let other people into my world and into my feelings. I learned to overcome my fears and realize that not every man is bad. I have so much more to learn and I will learn it and go through life with less negativity and people who love me and support me.

Happy New Year Everyone! Here’s to another decade of greatness!

Thank you.

Would it be different without you?

There’s a lot that people tell you when you’re depressed. They tell you that you don’t have anything to be upset about or that you look so much better when you smile. Sometimes you sit there and you fake the smile that people want to see on you just so that they don’t ask you any questions, because you don’t want to burden them with your problems. You try to be happy and see it the way other people see your depression, but nothing seems to work. You go to the doctor and they give you medication. You take it thinking it will help and then you sit there and contemplate on if it’s even worth it. If you’ll ever get better or if you’ll ever be as happy as what you once were.

You feel empty on the inside. You’ve been suicidal before but never like this, you attempt to take your life. Not once, but multiple times thinking that the world would be so much better without you. You think that no matter what happens your family will move on because your younger sibling is what will make them happy after you’re gone. You go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and turn on the shower in hopes maybe just maybe a hot shower will help you feel better. Instead you sit down and hold yourself. Your tears mix in with the water and you sit there and sob. Not knowing what to do since your own life is meaningless. You have no hope left and just want everything to go away.

Suddenly your performance is dropping and you have no desire to fix it. Instead of going to work, you stay home and sleep all day. You stay in your room filled with the depression and anxiety and let it consume you. People walk in and you hide, you don’t want them to see you like this to become a burden on them. You don’t want them to worry. You feel that the less they see of you the better off they’ll be. You sit up at night, in tears writing about how nothing helps you anymore. How desperately you want to turn back to drugs so they can take your life and you can finally leave this earth. You have a girlfriend who would do anything for you. Who tries so hard to get you out of the “funk” you’re in, because that’s all it is.. a “funk”.

You try and reach out for help at a point and instead your feelings get dismissed. You feel like a piece of trash, even more than what you did before you reached out. Your suicide attempts are for attention, a cry for help. Not you actually wanting to take your life and wanting to be free from the hell that faces you every day. You eventually lose your job because of the fact that you’d rather be home sleeping and hiding. You have no money for the holidays. You feel worthless. Continuing to write about what makes you upset and what you can do to fix it. You never get around to fixing it, instead you make it worse but staring at your pills and contemplating on taking your life.

Then suddenly a family member passes away and your family needs you. You’re so disconnected you’d rather be in your room hiding away, still letting the depression consume you. Now you’re a ball of sadness that nobody wants to be with. You’re family tells you to either suck it up or get out. Instead you’re willing to take the chance of getting kicked out so you die on the streets. You’re done with trying to please everyone because you know that you’ll just disappoint. You feel nothing but emptiness. You can’t do anything right at this point. You go back on your writings and realize that even your writing is horrible. Something you enjoyed doing, you now saw as something you could never be good at.

Nothing helps you, you should be excited going into the new year with the person you love, getting a new job lined up that will help you out tremendously. Instead, your six months hit with the person you love and everything goes downhill. You haven’t heard one thing about your new job yet. Instead you drink your problems away, wanting to turn to drugs again and wishing that just once your attempts worked and you wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore. Just face it. You’re not worth anything to anyone. You’re nothing but a burden. You cry yourself to sleep because you can’t talk to anyone. You walk outside and smoke your cigarette, closing your eyes.. wondering if it would have been different without you. If people would have missed you, if your girlfriend would have moved on smoothly not even wondering about you. If your room would have been transformed into something else without a trace of you in sight.

Your depression constantly overwhelms you and the people around you. You can’t keep people around because truth is, you’re worthless. Nobody wants you. Kiss it goodbye. You find it not worth it anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Not that it ever mattered. Say I love you and goodbye. You’re garbage.

I have PCOS..

I have PCOS, which stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s nothing fatal and believe me I’m fine. Sort of. Dealing with PCOS is actually kind of hard, and it’s not because I’m in any pain or anything. In all reality I was fine physically but mentally, I was devastated. My story on this is not something to make other people be upset or anything like that, this is to make sure that people are aware and make sure that they go to their doctors regularly and report anything that they think is wrong with their bodies or periods. Yes, this story will consist of the word period(s), you may have your ten second freak out and then be grown up.

This is where my story starts. I got my first period when I was about 11, I remember I was freaking out and woke my mom up in the middle of the night and told her I loved her and that god was taking me to heaven. She literally looked at me like I was stupid and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was bleeding from down there and she took me into the bathroom and explained that I had gotten my first period and this was the first step into womanhood. I was freaking out when she told me that and thanking the gods that I wasn’t dead just yet. Fast forward to about 14, I started having irregular periods, which is normal. I told my mom and she honestly was not that worried about it and basically said that it was gonna be okay and I was going to live. I still was not old enough to go to an OBGYN and could not have anything looked at to be sure that nothing was wrong.

I hit 16, I was still having those irregular periods but, every time I would get my period it would always be heavy and have really bad clots. It was still considered normal at this time. I wouldn’t tell anyone when things got really bad with these periods because I always considered it normal. I still had not been old enough to go and get a checkup with an OB and it was just pure torture. I was worried about it but not too worried to the point it was all I thought about. My 17th birthday comes and I hadn’t had my period in a while and I mean from like October of 2016 to May of 2017. Now I was scared, I had told my mom and she was telling me that we would see what we could do about me getting into a doctor to have everything checked out. Instead of talking about my periods, we talked about my depression and my self harm. Not what I wanted, but it was when my family was going through a rough time so it made sense for me to be upset. Plus I wasn’t having periods and everyone thought I was pregnant.

I hit 18. These clots are getting worse and worse. My periods were pretty far apart but came in hot and heavy. It was some of the worst times of my life. I didn’t have my period for most of the year and if I thought I got my period I was always prepared but nothing stayed for a long time. I was close to a couple hours to a day max. Well now we fast forward to September of 2018. I’m sicker than a dog and having the worst period I’ve ever had. I see that I’ve gained weight and just thought that I was bloated. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to even go to work, I stayed in the shower most of the time to make the hot water hit my stomach where the cramps were. I was going through tampons after an hour. I had gone through 2 boxes of tampons in a week. Worst time of my life.

One day I get into the shower to take my daily shower and just sit and relax, well I had felt this pressure against my stomach almost to the point where as if I was pushing to have a baby?? I felt the need to push as if I was having a baby and here comes the biggest clot my body has ever created. I had a doctors appointment to have a checkup on my uterus and see if there was anything wrong with it. With that clot coming out of my body I was mortified, I didn’t know how to handle what was going on. My mom came in the bathroom and told me that my doctors appointment was soon and that I need to hurry up. I stood up to wash my hair and all I see are black dots and I immediately fall onto the side of the tub and catch my breath. No sooner did that happen I was throwing up in the shower. I managed to get my hair washed and my mom comes in to help me get out of the shower and get dressed. I managed to get a tampon in and get dressed. I wasn’t even able to brush my hair. I get dressed and I end up throwing up again. My mom didn’t even want me brushing my teeth because she was so scared that I was going to make myself sick to the core.

My mom calls the doctor and asks what she needs to do. The doctor tells her, “She needs to go to the ER and quick”. That entire sentence was the scariest thing I had ever heard. I get into the car and my mom is trying to get the hospital quickly and making sure I don’t fall asleep in the car. I’m lightheaded and really don’t even know where I am. We get to the ER tell them what’s happening and show my proof that I am who I say I am, and now we wait. 10 Short minutes go by and we’re back telling the nurses whats going on. I see a doctor who tells me he wants to do some tests before anything happens. I start crying out of nowhere mainly because I am terrified, I am completely pale and not breathing. The heart monitor constantly goes off because I am not breathing. The doctor comes back in after 30 minutes or so and tells me he wants to do an ultrasound. I’m terrified.

I don’t know what they will tell me, I don’t know if they’re going to find something that is going to cause major damage to my body or anything along those lines. The nurse tells me and my mom that she was going to get my ultrasounds looked at by the OBGYN. I’m nervous as all heck at this point. I’m in tears and having a major panic attack because I have no idea what the hell is happening. Close to a half hour goes by and the doctor comes back in the room and tells me I need to be admitted. Now since I had blood going down my legs constantly they decided to leave me on the gurney and roll me to the room that I was going to be in. The bed had a pad on it and everything which made me feel absolutely disgusting let me tell you. I end up getting from one bed to another and just relax, even though I seriously cannot relax at this point. At this point I’m completely petrified for my life and my body to even actually focus on the positives that my mom was telling me. I had close to four panic attacks in just that one day. It was terrifying. The night shift is starting so my doctor comes in and introduces herself along with the nurse that was going to be assisting her. They were both very kind and helped me keep my mind off of my body and the ginormous amount of blood that was leaving my body.

This was my first night in the hospital now and my mom left and went home to her bed. Somewhere I wished I was. Unfortunately I was constantly being woken up. At around 2:30 AM the doctor and everyone else that was taking a look at my issue, decided I needed a blood transfusion. Weirdest thing I had ever done, granted I had no choice due to the amount of blood loss that was happening within the clots. Every time I had gone to the bathroom they wanted me to keep everything in the toilet, if my clots missed the bowl that they had put on the toilet then I could not flush so they could take a look at every clot to make sure that they were going down.

Second day in the hospital, I’m freaking out. I’m scared and I just want to be home. My mom and my brother came to visit me along with my grandma and they were all hungry and wanted me to eat something as well. I ordered a small grilled cheese and a jell-o. The minute I finished eating, I had thrown up. I couldn’t keep my food down, and could barely keep my water down. The doctors and nurses kept checking on me like they normally do and had all come to the conclusion that I needed another blood transfusion and that I’m losing blood at a rapid pace. They do the transfusion and also give me a hormone pill to kind of help slow down the bleeding and keep me alive. Not only did I have those, but I also had compression pads on my legs to help the blood flow through my legs and not clot up.

My blood tests had come back and at the same time of my blood still being low they also found out that I was anemic. By night three I was done, I was ready to go home and done with all the tests. The plus side was that day four I got good news. I was able to go home and kick it for the rest of the day. The clots had stopped and I was prescribed the meds that I needed to take in order to keep my blood in good shape. Dealing with the hospital and everything that I had experienced was an absolute nightmare. These hospital bills are even worse…

Make sure you go to your doctor, keep up with your check ups.. You never know which one is going to help save your life. Being told you have PCOS at the age of 18 is absolutely heart wrenching and something I never wanted to hear. It’s very common in teenage girls and something that is very serious. Take care of yourself, you never know what could happen. Stay safe and stay healthy.

To The Man That Hurt Me

I’ve written this several different times, I cant seem to find the right words to put down but I’m just going to wing it at this point. The words are probably still going to be wrong but here goes nothing. Earlier I was talking to my girlfriend and things kind of took a turn. She went out and saw someone she absolutely hates for her own personal reasons that I wont get into. It made me think though, she’s a strong individual who I love with all my being but I’m not as strong. I was hurt for years. I was taken advantage of when my parents had a rough patch in their marriage. I was molested by a man I never thought would hurt me.

He hurt me in a way that a little girl should never be hurt. I lost everything the first night it happened. I remember it so vividly. His hands were freezing cold, he never cared or had any remorse for what he did while he was doing it. He felt remorse when he got called out. When it happened I was in a rough spot, my family was in a rough spot. We didn’t know how much longer my parents were even going to be together. We wanted to be a happy family. He made me feel safe and he made me remember that nothing that happened with my parents was my fault. He even got close with my mom to make me feel better. He payed more attention to me than he did his own kid.

This obviously isn’t something that’s easy to talk about, I know what kind of attention this whole thing will get but the thing that I’m the most worried about is me finally getting back to normal. So to the man that hurt me, I’m doing better not 100% yet but better. I’m not worried about what’s gonna happen if I get my story out there. People need to know that what happened doesn’t make me feel any less important. Yes, I felt absolutely disgusting and couldn’t sit in the shower long enough, people told me to get over it.. they told me it “wasn’t like I was raped or anything”. I never knew if it was going to get to that point but you know what? I don’t appreciate you for what you did like other people might, I appreciate that I made it through it. You’re a monster and I don’t regret saying that. People like you don’t change.

I don’t wake up screaming and crying anymore. I still hurt, I hurt because your daughter hurt me just as bad as you did. You made me stay up for hours wondering if I’ll ever be able to live my life the same. Wondering if people knew what happened and could see right through me. Wondering if I was ever going to be able to trust another male. The answer to that last one is no. I can’t trust men, I’m working on it. I can’t be around a grown man for more that a minute or else I have a panic attack. People know that I was hurt. They know, you know, and I know. Nobody is safe from you, I hope one day they take you down for what you did. You don’t deserve a single thing you have. I hope you rot.

You took everything, and you’re not sorry for it.


The time has come. I’m about to be a 2018 high school graduate. It’s crazy to think that I could even get this far. I thought I was going to drop out and get kicked out because I couldn’t handle everything that was going on around me. Let alone get up at 5:00 in the morning to get ready for school. High school itself has been an amazing experience for me. I learned what happens in the real world and how people can actually be. I lost people and I made friends. Right now this is my tribute to them. It’s different but they deserve to be thanked. I already thanked all the teachers and everyone who helped me get here and now it’s my friends turns.

Steven Rue: Thank you. Thank you for making me laugh when I always needed it. Thank you for having funny facetime conversations with me. Running to me at 12:30 in the morning because you’re bored. I love you dude, you’ve become my best friend in such a short amount of time and no matter how much I may be an asshole, you still put up with me. I have so much love for you it’s crazy. Thank you for being Steven and loving me with your whole heart.

Cierra Halliburton: We’ve had ups and downs but always seem to find a way back to each other. I love you so much man. You’ve been my best friend for years and I’m always thankful for the things you have done and continue to do for me. I’m thankful for your parents giving me a place to stay when I really needed to get away from my house. I appreciate you listening to me when I needed to vent. I hope after graduation you become one of the most famous tattoo artists there is. You’re amazingly talented and it deserves to be shared with the world.

Kaelan Weatherly: Wow wow wow. You have done so much for me and I haven’t even met you yet. You’re one of a kind. I’m so proud of you for recently discovering yourself and I hope I made you proud. You’re not only one of my best friends but you’re a sister to me. You’ve done more than anyone would ever want to do for me with the distance between us. I can’t wait for the day that I meet the person who I look up to. I’ve told you more about me and my life than I have with anyone else that I’ve become close with on social media. You were there when I lost people and when I gained people. You gained my trust so quick and I know originally we weren’t even trying to be friends but I’m glad this is how the universe wanted us. I love you Kaelan. More than you’ll ever know.

Abby Bauman/Alissa Benedetti: You two. You two are my kids. I love you both so much. I love the rest of my newspaper kids too but I’ve grown such an amazing bond with you two. You two have always looked out for me and I will always look out for you. I have so much love for you two. I have faith that you two are going to do amazing things. Remember this as well, just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean that I’m gone forever. I’ll always be there for you two for as long as you need me. I know how you guys get and I know that sometimes you just need someone. I’m here for the both of you. Thank you for everything that you two have done for me.

I lost a lot of people during senior year. Let me just say that I don’t wish you the worst. Your time will come. I hope nobody hurts you like you have hurt me. I like to think of it this way, you made me the person I am. I am a person who doesn’t take anything from anyone due to the heartbreak you have caused me. I trusted you but I didn’t lose my trust in other people. Maybe you’ll do great things or maybe you wont. Either way, take care of yourself for the sake of your families. It was nice while it lasted but I’m onto better things. All of them without you. Take care.

I Lied to Myself

I lied to myself. I was told that my anxiety and depression would take over my life. For a good period of time it did. I wasn’t myself, I never acted like myself. I always had a huge smile on my face and I was always laughing. When my depression and anxiety came around due to me being bullied for a good three years and being insecure. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone and when I was made fun of for being different, it really led me down a dark path. I did drugs, I was partying all the time, I self harmed and at a certain point in my life I was suicidal and tried to kill myself because the pain that these people were inflicting on me was more than I could take.

I lied to myself and told myself that I was worthless. I told myself that no matter what I did, I’d still be ugly and unlovable. My smile was ugly, I was a disgusting cow. When I would party and do everything that no 14 year old was supposed to do, I felt good about myself and people wanted me. They wanted and eventually got me. They made me feel like me being a lesbian wasn’t a valid thing in my lifetime. So I told myself I wasn’t a lesbian, I had all these guys who wanted to use me and I wasn’t gay so why would I argue? I had everything set. All these guys wanted me and I “wanted” them.

I lied to everyone around me. Said I was fine when I had so many problems that I needed to figure out. So many issues that nobody should ever deal with. So many people that wanted to see me suffer. Sadly, that’s just what I did. I suffered. I did what I had to do in order to make myself seem valuable and not vulnerable. So I got a boyfriend. Everything felt wrong with this whole situation, but I mean I didn’t really know what felt right and what felt wrong. I eventually thought I loved this boy, thought I would die for him. In reality, I would die from him. He was abusive, but I stayed. I “loved” him.

He lied to me. Said I was his forever, told me he loved me. No love should make other people feel like they’re worthless. That’s what he did. He made me feel sorry for myself and cheated. He didn’t help me leave the scene I was in previously. He made me stay in it and get him drugs when he needed a fix. He made me join him and nothing in my life would get done. I almost failed my freshman year of high school. He’s the one that held me back when I tried to get help for myself.

They lied to me when they said there wasn’t going to be a split up. He was an alcoholic and she was hurting, either way I was caught in the middle. Nobody wants to deal with such serious things by themselves and sadly with everything I went through, I was by myself. I had nobody to hold me and tell me everything was okay and that I would make it through everything. Both sets of my grandparents would blame the other parent for the messed up marriage.

My life was a mess. I faced facts at that time, I was going to be a failure and a drug addict like the rest of my family. I was destined to fail. Nobody wanted me around unless it was to party. They didn’t care and still don’t. I was nothing.

Loss and Gains

Recently, I lost myself. I lost what I thought was everything to me. I felt like I was spiraling downward again and eventually going to get into the same habits that I had in the previous years and that’s something I never wanted to experience again. So in order to not go down into that direction again, what did I have to do to better myself when dealing with something this significant in my life?

I lost my best friend of three years shortly after losing my great grandmother. I felt like I was losing pieces of me every day because I didn’t have my best friend there to help me through anything. Looking back on these events I understand where she came from. Was I still devastated? Absolutely. I would have done anything to turn back time and ask what I did wrong, ask what happened to the both of us. It was pretty obvious after a short amount of time, I shut everything off, I read, stayed in bed. You name it, I did it.

Therefore this meant that I had a lot of time to think to myself and constantly ask myself why, why, why. Why me? Why now? What happened? I never did anything wrong. Her reasoning was that our energies didn’t match up anymore, which was one of the truest reasons that I actually paid attention to. While dealing with the loss of these two people I cherished in my life, I thought to myself. I thought that maybe she was right, maybe it wasn’t me, maybe I’m being dramatic. She was right. We didn’t match up anymore. I was finally getting over things that happened in my life, I was getting better.

I was moving on with my life and moving forward. I focused and am still focusing on graduating high school in may, I am finally getting back to my old self. I’m happy and she isn’t. She has her own problems to deal with and sadly I can’t help her anymore because as mean as this sounds.. I have other things to worry about. Now this doesn’t mean that I wasn’t there for her or anything like that. I was there for her, I was her number one fan and her biggest supporter. Sadly things don’t always end up the way we want them to.

We don’t always get what we want and it sucks when you lose someone but she did what she thought was best for us both. Looking back on it now, I strongly agree with her. I don’t want her feeling like I’m pushing her to do anything of the sorts that she does not want to do and sadly I don’t want her holding me back. I have dreams and aspirations, I have plans to achieve these dreams and aspirations. I have a lot ahead of me and in this time I have plenty more heartbreaks to go through and her ending our friendship is probably a blessing in disguise but I’m not worried about it.

She gave me plenty of memories, memories that I wish to hold on to because I experienced my life with her. I experienced things with her that I never thought I would experience with anyone else. I’m young, I have plenty more things coming my way. I truthfully wish her the best and hold nothing against her. People deal with things that hurt every day. There’s gonna be a time always where something doesn’t go the way you planned and you can’t spend the rest of your life holding something against someone.

Not to mention you never know what life can throw at you or people around you. Nobody wants the last words to someone being “I hate you” or “I never want to see you again”. Don’t hold things against people. Come together as one and make the world better. Make yourself a better person. These do come with limits though. You also need to take care of yourself. Do what’s best for you while making the world a better place and a safer place. Be careful and let go. You’ll be okay, I was.

Hi, I’m Charity


This here is a picture of me(:

Hi, I’m Charity. As all can tell I’m new to blogging and etc. I mainly wanted to start blogging because I normally have a lot to say if I’m being completely honest. I have a lot that goes down in my life but that is to be saved for later. So a little about me would kind of seem necessary for the moment. So as said before my name is Charity, I’m a 16 year old teenage girl, and I’m a junior in high school. I’m actually the middle child in my family. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. My mom has a good paying job as a billing collector and my father has a well paying job as well as a chef in a casino. Now my blog has the name ‘Hippy Charity’ because I am actually the only hippy in my family. Now I know what the average person thinks when I say “hippy”, see when I say “hippy” I mean a ‘new aged’ hippy because I know what hygiene is. I know how to take care of my body and my teeth and etc. When I say hippy I mean I am for certain things and against certain things. Certain things honestly just really anger me. Hate speech lets talk about that for a second, its wrong on so many levels. Why is someone going to constantly sit there and make someone feel bad because of their religion, sexuality, sex, race, gender, and etc. It’s wrong especially if that person is just a normal harmless person. A person who has never done anything wrong to that one person that decides to hate someone because of something so simple. I don’t support racism, sexism, third-way feminists and there is a reason for the third-way feminists, I don’t appreciate the fact that they believe that women are up top and should come first and etc. Feminism is about equality. It’s not equality if they believe that they should have a higher pay raise than men or women should have all eyes on them. They only focus on women. Women who are being raped, women who are committing suicide and etc. In reality of it all though, women aren’t the only ones. Men and boys are being raped, committing suicide, and all the problems that females have. I’m not bashing on anyone it’s just my opinion and that’s what my blog is mainly about. It’s mainly about my life and my opinions. Now things I do support would be gay marriage, equality, and etc. Anyway that’s just a little about me and what I’m mainly about.