Loss and Gains

Recently, I lost myself. I lost what I thought was everything to me. I felt like I was spiraling downward again and eventually going to get into the same habits that I had in the previous years and that’s something I never wanted to experience again. So in order to not go down into that direction again, what did I have to do to better myself when dealing with something this significant in my life?

I lost my best friend of three years shortly after losing my great grandmother. I felt like I was losing pieces of me every day because I didn’t have my best friend there to help me through anything. Looking back on these events I understand where she came from. Was I still devastated? Absolutely. I would have done anything to turn back time and ask what I did wrong, ask what happened to the both of us. It was pretty obvious after a short amount of time, I shut everything off, I read, stayed in bed. You name it, I did it.

Therefore this meant that I had a lot of time to think to myself and constantly ask myself why, why, why. Why me? Why now? What happened? I never did anything wrong. Her reasoning was that our energies didn’t match up anymore, which was one of the truest reasons that I actually paid attention to. While dealing with the loss of these two people I cherished in my life, I thought to myself. I thought that maybe she was right, maybe it wasn’t me, maybe I’m being dramatic. She was right. We didn’t match up anymore. I was finally getting over things that happened in my life, I was getting better.

I was moving on with my life and moving forward. I focused and am still focusing on graduating high school in may, I am finally getting back to my old self. I’m happy and she isn’t. She has her own problems to deal with and sadly I can’t help her anymore because as mean as this sounds.. I have other things to worry about. Now this doesn’t mean that I wasn’t there for her or anything like that. I was there for her, I was her number one fan and her biggest supporter. Sadly things don’t always end up the way we want them to.

We don’t always get what we want and it sucks when you lose someone but she did what she thought was best for us both. Looking back on it now, I strongly agree with her. I don’t want her feeling like I’m pushing her to do anything of the sorts that she does not want to do and sadly I don’t want her holding me back. I have dreams and aspirations, I have plans to achieve these dreams and aspirations. I have a lot ahead of me and in this time I have plenty more heartbreaks to go through and her ending our friendship is probably a blessing in disguise but I’m not worried about it.

She gave me plenty of memories, memories that I wish to hold on to because I experienced my life with her. I experienced things with her that I never thought I would experience with anyone else. I’m young, I have plenty more things coming my way. I truthfully wish her the best and hold nothing against her. People deal with things that hurt every day. There’s gonna be a time always where something doesn’t go the way you planned and you can’t spend the rest of your life holding something against someone.

Not to mention you never know what life can throw at you or people around you. Nobody wants the last words to someone being “I hate you” or “I never want to see you again”. Don’t hold things against people. Come together as one and make the world better. Make yourself a better person. These do come with limits though. You also need to take care of yourself. Do what’s best for you while making the world a better place and a safer place. Be careful and let go. You’ll be okay, I was.

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