I Lied to Myself

I lied to myself. I was told that my anxiety and depression would take over my life. For a good period of time it did. I wasn’t myself, I never acted like myself. I always had a huge smile on my face and I was always laughing. When my depression and anxiety came around due to me being bullied for a good three years and being insecure. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone and when I was made fun of for being different, it really led me down a dark path. I did drugs, I was partying all the time, I self harmed and at a certain point in my life I was suicidal and tried to kill myself because the pain that these people were inflicting on me was more than I could take.

I lied to myself and told myself that I was worthless. I told myself that no matter what I did, I’d still be ugly and unlovable. My smile was ugly, I was a disgusting cow. When I would party and do everything that no 14 year old was supposed to do, I felt good about myself and people wanted me. They wanted and eventually got me. They made me feel like me being a lesbian wasn’t a valid thing in my lifetime. So I told myself I wasn’t a lesbian, I had all these guys who wanted to use me and I wasn’t gay so why would I argue? I had everything set. All these guys wanted me and I “wanted” them.

I lied to everyone around me. Said I was fine when I had so many problems that I needed to figure out. So many issues that nobody should ever deal with. So many people that wanted to see me suffer. Sadly, that’s just what I did. I suffered. I did what I had to do in order to make myself seem valuable and not vulnerable. So I got a boyfriend. Everything felt wrong with this whole situation, but I mean I didn’t really know what felt right and what felt wrong. I eventually thought I loved this boy, thought I would die for him. In reality, I would die from him. He was abusive, but I stayed. I “loved” him.

He lied to me. Said I was his forever, told me he loved me. No love should make other people feel like they’re worthless. That’s what he did. He made me feel sorry for myself and cheated. He didn’t help me leave the scene I was in previously. He made me stay in it and get him drugs when he needed a fix. He made me join him and nothing in my life would get done. I almost failed my freshman year of high school. He’s the one that held me back when I tried to get help for myself.

They lied to me when they said there wasn’t going to be a split up. He was an alcoholic and she was hurting, either way I was caught in the middle. Nobody wants to deal with such serious things by themselves and sadly with everything I went through, I was by myself. I had nobody to hold me and tell me everything was okay and that I would make it through everything. Both sets of my grandparents would blame the other parent for the messed up marriage.

My life was a mess. I faced facts at that time, I was going to be a failure and a drug addict like the rest of my family. I was destined to fail. Nobody wanted me around unless it was to party. They didn’t care and still don’t. I was nothing.

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