Would it be different without you?

There’s a lot that people tell you when you’re depressed. They tell you that you don’t have anything to be upset about or that you look so much better when you smile. Sometimes you sit there and you fake the smile that people want to see on you just so that they don’t ask you any questions, because you don’t want to burden them with your problems. You try to be happy and see it the way other people see your depression, but nothing seems to work. You go to the doctor and they give you medication. You take it thinking it will help and then you sit there and contemplate on if it’s even worth it. If you’ll ever get better or if you’ll ever be as happy as what you once were.

You feel empty on the inside. You’ve been suicidal before but never like this, you attempt to take your life. Not once, but multiple times thinking that the world would be so much better without you. You think that no matter what happens your family will move on because your younger sibling is what will make them happy after you’re gone. You go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and turn on the shower in hopes maybe just maybe a hot shower will help you feel better. Instead you sit down and hold yourself. Your tears mix in with the water and you sit there and sob. Not knowing what to do since your own life is meaningless. You have no hope left and just want everything to go away.

Suddenly your performance is dropping and you have no desire to fix it. Instead of going to work, you stay home and sleep all day. You stay in your room filled with the depression and anxiety and let it consume you. People walk in and you hide, you don’t want them to see you like this to become a burden on them. You don’t want them to worry. You feel that the less they see of you the better of they’ll be. You sit up at night, in tears writing about how nothing helps you anymore. How desperately you want to turn back to drugs so they can take your life and you can finally leave this earth. You have a girlfriend who would do anything for you. Who tries so hard to get you out of the “funk” you’re in, because that’s all it is.. a “funk”.

You try and reach out for help at a point and instead your feelings get dismissed. You feel like a piece of trash, even more than what you did before you reached out. Your suicide attempts are for attention, a cry for help. Not you actually wanting to take your life and wanting to be free from the hell that faces you every day. You eventually lose your job because of the fact that you’d rather be home sleeping and hiding. You have no money for the holidays. You feel worthless. Continuing to write about what makes you upset and what you can do to fix it. You never get around to fixing it, instead you make it worse but staring at your pills and contemplating on taking your life.

Then suddenly a family member passes away and your family needs you. You’re so disconnected you’d rather be in your room hiding away, still letting the depression consume you. Now you’re a ball of sadness that nobody wants to be with. You’re family tells you to either suck it up or get out. Instead you’re willing to take the chance of getting kicked out so you die on the streets. You’re done with trying to please everyone because you know that you’ll just disappoint. You feel nothing but emptiness. You can’t do anything right at this point. You go back on your writings and realize that even your writing is horrible. Something you enjoyed doing, you now saw as something you could never be good at.

Nothing helps you, you should be excited going into the new year with the person you love, getting a new job lined up that will help you out tremendously. Instead, your six months hit with the person you love and everything goes downhill. You haven’t heard one thing about your new job yet. Instead you drink your problems away, wanting to turn to drugs again and wishing that just once your attempts worked and you wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore. Just face it. You’re not worth anything to anyone. You’re nothing but a burden. You cry yourself to sleep because you can’t talk to anyone. You walk outside and smoke your cigarette, closing your eyes.. wondering if it would have been different without you. If people would have missed you, if your girlfriend would have moved on smoothly not even wondering about you. If your room would have been transformed into something else without a trace of you in sight.

Your depression constantly overwhelms you and the people around you. You can’t keep people around because truth is, you’re worthless. Nobody wants you. Kiss it goodbye. You find it not worth it anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Not that it ever mattered. Say I love you and goodbye. You’re garbage.

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