The new year is upon us as the year 2020 is literally a few days away, with that being said I’ve done a lot of reflecting on not just 2019 but the entire decade in itself. Which is wild, I know considering I give myself a migraine if I even try and do some basic math. Although the reflecting has definitely shown me some of the things that I can work on and what things are completely out of my control or what I couldn’t have prevented even if I tried doing it differently. I mean like for most people they just look at it as like a whole “YAY I DID IT AND I CAN CHANGE MY FLAWS NO PROBLEM”, but like for me it’s more of a “what the hell? what did I do wrong? why did they leave? why can’t I be better? I’m sorry I’m garbage..”. So clearly not as easy for me and I’m sure some people can relate to that, to where they just constantly overthink things.
Not all of the decade was bad though. There definitely were some good things to happen to me. First and foremost I finished high school when I thought I was going to dropout and not go anywhere in life. I came out to friends and family as a lesbian. I got into my first real relationship with a girl, and even though that relationship was not the best first relationship it helped me realize what I need for myself and what I desire in a partner. I was able to build my relationship back up with my family after destroying it while being depressed. I was able to build myself back up after constantly making myself feel like I was not worth it after everything had gone down with the man who sexually assaulted me. I became a person again after feeling empty. I’m proud of myself for kicking ass.
Most of the decade was devastating though. I lost people I loved and who I thought I could trust with my whole being. I lost family members. I lost pets. The decade has been filled with hurt and some disgust and maybe even as far as hatred. The last decade was a milestone that honestly I thought I was not going to get through. So much had happened to where I just didn’t see purpose anymore. This is when I turned to abusing substances and keeping dark secrets to myself. When I let the secrets out, I felt like I had let them out for no reason, nothing happened to the people who hurt me. Instead, I lost someone who I thought was my everything.
Now as the decade is coming to an end, I look back and realize that I am in such a better place. I have a girlfriend who is good to me and who knows how I operate who genuinely cares for me. My family is as annoying as ever but I still wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m becoming an adult and I’m doing adult things now. I have a good job, I bought my first car by myself. I’m doing so much better than I ever thought I was going to. I learned to love myself, I learned to let other people into my world and into my feelings. I learned to overcome my fears and realize that not every man is bad. I have so much more to learn and I will learn it and go through life with less negativity and people who love me and support me.
Happy New Year Everyone! Here’s to another decade of greatness!