All that the years had to offer.

The new year is upon us as the year 2020 is literally a few days away, with that being said I’ve done a lot of reflecting on not just 2019 but the entire decade in itself. Which is wild, I know considering I give myself a migraine if I even try and do some basic math. Although the reflecting has definitely shown me some of the things that I can work on and what things are completely out of my control or what I couldn’t have prevented even if I tried doing it differently. I mean like for most people they just look at it as like a whole “YAY I DID IT AND I CAN CHANGE MY FLAWS NO PROBLEM”, but like for me it’s more of a “what the hell? what did I do wrong? why did they leave? why can’t I be better? I’m sorry I’m garbage..”. So clearly not as easy for me and I’m sure some people can relate to that, to where they just constantly overthink things.

Not all of the decade was bad though. There definitely were some good things to happen to me. First and foremost I finished high school when I thought I was going to dropout and not go anywhere in life. I came out to friends and family as a lesbian. I got into my first real relationship with a girl, and even though that relationship was not the best first relationship it helped me realize what I need for myself and what I desire in a partner. I was able to build my relationship back up with my family after destroying it while being depressed. I was able to build myself back up after constantly making myself feel like I was not worth it after everything had gone down with the man who sexually assaulted me. I became a person again after feeling empty. I’m proud of myself for kicking ass.

Most of the decade was devastating though. I lost people I loved and who I thought I could trust with my whole being. I lost family members. I lost pets. The decade has been filled with hurt and some disgust and maybe even as far as hatred. The last decade was a milestone that honestly I thought I was not going to get through. So much had happened to where I just didn’t see purpose anymore. This is when I turned to abusing substances and keeping dark secrets to myself. When I let the secrets out, I felt like I had let them out for no reason, nothing happened to the people who hurt me. Instead, I lost someone who I thought was my everything.

Now as the decade is coming to an end, I look back and realize that I am in such a better place. I have a girlfriend who is good to me and who knows how I operate who genuinely cares for me. My family is as annoying as ever but I still wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m becoming an adult and I’m doing adult things now. I have a good job, I bought my first car by myself. I’m doing so much better than I ever thought I was going to. I learned to love myself, I learned to let other people into my world and into my feelings. I learned to overcome my fears and realize that not every man is bad. I have so much more to learn and I will learn it and go through life with less negativity and people who love me and support me.

Happy New Year Everyone! Here’s to another decade of greatness!

Thank you.

I have PCOS..

I have PCOS, which stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s nothing fatal and believe me I’m fine. Sort of. Dealing with PCOS is actually kind of hard, and it’s not because I’m in any pain or anything. In all reality I was fine physically but mentally, I was devastated. My story on this is not something to make other people be upset or anything like that, this is to make sure that people are aware and make sure that they go to their doctors regularly and report anything that they think is wrong with their bodies or periods. Yes, this story will consist of the word period(s), you may have your ten second freak out and then be grown up.

This is where my story starts. I got my first period when I was about 11, I remember I was freaking out and woke my mom up in the middle of the night and told her I loved her and that god was taking me to heaven. She literally looked at me like I was stupid and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was bleeding from down there and she took me into the bathroom and explained that I had gotten my first period and this was the first step into womanhood. I was freaking out when she told me that and thanking the gods that I wasn’t dead just yet. Fast forward to about 14, I started having irregular periods, which is normal. I told my mom and she honestly was not that worried about it and basically said that it was gonna be okay and I was going to live. I still was not old enough to go to an OBGYN and could not have anything looked at to be sure that nothing was wrong.

I hit 16, I was still having those irregular periods but, every time I would get my period it would always be heavy and have really bad clots. It was still considered normal at this time. I wouldn’t tell anyone when things got really bad with these periods because I always considered it normal. I still had not been old enough to go and get a checkup with an OB and it was just pure torture. I was worried about it but not too worried to the point it was all I thought about. My 17th birthday comes and I hadn’t had my period in a while and I mean from like October of 2016 to May of 2017. Now I was scared, I had told my mom and she was telling me that we would see what we could do about me getting into a doctor to have everything checked out. Instead of talking about my periods, we talked about my depression and my self harm. Not what I wanted, but it was when my family was going through a rough time so it made sense for me to be upset. Plus I wasn’t having periods and everyone thought I was pregnant.

I hit 18. These clots are getting worse and worse. My periods were pretty far apart but came in hot and heavy. It was some of the worst times of my life. I didn’t have my period for most of the year and if I thought I got my period I was always prepared but nothing stayed for a long time. I was close to a couple hours to a day max. Well now we fast forward to September of 2018. I’m sicker than a dog and having the worst period I’ve ever had. I see that I’ve gained weight and just thought that I was bloated. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to even go to work, I stayed in the shower most of the time to make the hot water hit my stomach where the cramps were. I was going through tampons after an hour. I had gone through 2 boxes of tampons in a week. Worst time of my life.

One day I get into the shower to take my daily shower and just sit and relax, well I had felt this pressure against my stomach almost to the point where as if I was pushing to have a baby?? I felt the need to push as if I was having a baby and here comes the biggest clot my body has ever created. I had a doctors appointment to have a checkup on my uterus and see if there was anything wrong with it. With that clot coming out of my body I was mortified, I didn’t know how to handle what was going on. My mom came in the bathroom and told me that my doctors appointment was soon and that I need to hurry up. I stood up to wash my hair and all I see are black dots and I immediately fall onto the side of the tub and catch my breath. No sooner did that happen I was throwing up in the shower. I managed to get my hair washed and my mom comes in to help me get out of the shower and get dressed. I managed to get a tampon in and get dressed. I wasn’t even able to brush my hair. I get dressed and I end up throwing up again. My mom didn’t even want me brushing my teeth because she was so scared that I was going to make myself sick to the core.

My mom calls the doctor and asks what she needs to do. The doctor tells her, “She needs to go to the ER and quick”. That entire sentence was the scariest thing I had ever heard. I get into the car and my mom is trying to get the hospital quickly and making sure I don’t fall asleep in the car. I’m lightheaded and really don’t even know where I am. We get to the ER tell them what’s happening and show my proof that I am who I say I am, and now we wait. 10 Short minutes go by and we’re back telling the nurses whats going on. I see a doctor who tells me he wants to do some tests before anything happens. I start crying out of nowhere mainly because I am terrified, I am completely pale and not breathing. The heart monitor constantly goes off because I am not breathing. The doctor comes back in after 30 minutes or so and tells me he wants to do an ultrasound. I’m terrified.

I don’t know what they will tell me, I don’t know if they’re going to find something that is going to cause major damage to my body or anything along those lines. The nurse tells me and my mom that she was going to get my ultrasounds looked at by the OBGYN. I’m nervous as all heck at this point. I’m in tears and having a major panic attack because I have no idea what the hell is happening. Close to a half hour goes by and the doctor comes back in the room and tells me I need to be admitted. Now since I had blood going down my legs constantly they decided to leave me on the gurney and roll me to the room that I was going to be in. The bed had a pad on it and everything which made me feel absolutely disgusting let me tell you. I end up getting from one bed to another and just relax, even though I seriously cannot relax at this point. At this point I’m completely petrified for my life and my body to even actually focus on the positives that my mom was telling me. I had close to four panic attacks in just that one day. It was terrifying. The night shift is starting so my doctor comes in and introduces herself along with the nurse that was going to be assisting her. They were both very kind and helped me keep my mind off of my body and the ginormous amount of blood that was leaving my body.

This was my first night in the hospital now and my mom left and went home to her bed. Somewhere I wished I was. Unfortunately I was constantly being woken up. At around 2:30 AM the doctor and everyone else that was taking a look at my issue, decided I needed a blood transfusion. Weirdest thing I had ever done, granted I had no choice due to the amount of blood loss that was happening within the clots. Every time I had gone to the bathroom they wanted me to keep everything in the toilet, if my clots missed the bowl that they had put on the toilet then I could not flush so they could take a look at every clot to make sure that they were going down.

Second day in the hospital, I’m freaking out. I’m scared and I just want to be home. My mom and my brother came to visit me along with my grandma and they were all hungry and wanted me to eat something as well. I ordered a small grilled cheese and a jell-o. The minute I finished eating, I had thrown up. I couldn’t keep my food down, and could barely keep my water down. The doctors and nurses kept checking on me like they normally do and had all come to the conclusion that I needed another blood transfusion and that I’m losing blood at a rapid pace. They do the transfusion and also give me a hormone pill to kind of help slow down the bleeding and keep me alive. Not only did I have those, but I also had compression pads on my legs to help the blood flow through my legs and not clot up.

My blood tests had come back and at the same time of my blood still being low they also found out that I was anemic. By night three I was done, I was ready to go home and done with all the tests. The plus side was that day four I got good news. I was able to go home and kick it for the rest of the day. The clots had stopped and I was prescribed the meds that I needed to take in order to keep my blood in good shape. Dealing with the hospital and everything that I had experienced was an absolute nightmare. These hospital bills are even worse…

Make sure you go to your doctor, keep up with your check ups.. You never know which one is going to help save your life. Being told you have PCOS at the age of 18 is absolutely heart wrenching and something I never wanted to hear. It’s very common in teenage girls and something that is very serious. Take care of yourself, you never know what could happen. Stay safe and stay healthy.

I Lied to Myself

I lied to myself. I was told that my anxiety and depression would take over my life. For a good period of time it did. I wasn’t myself, I never acted like myself. I always had a huge smile on my face and I was always laughing. When my depression and anxiety came around due to me being bullied for a good three years and being insecure. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone and when I was made fun of for being different, it really led me down a dark path. I did drugs, I was partying all the time, I self harmed and at a certain point in my life I was suicidal and tried to kill myself because the pain that these people were inflicting on me was more than I could take.

I lied to myself and told myself that I was worthless. I told myself that no matter what I did, I’d still be ugly and unlovable. My smile was ugly, I was a disgusting cow. When I would party and do everything that no 14 year old was supposed to do, I felt good about myself and people wanted me. They wanted and eventually got me. They made me feel like me being a lesbian wasn’t a valid thing in my lifetime. So I told myself I wasn’t a lesbian, I had all these guys who wanted to use me and I wasn’t gay so why would I argue? I had everything set. All these guys wanted me and I “wanted” them.

I lied to everyone around me. Said I was fine when I had so many problems that I needed to figure out. So many issues that nobody should ever deal with. So many people that wanted to see me suffer. Sadly, that’s just what I did. I suffered. I did what I had to do in order to make myself seem valuable and not vulnerable. So I got a boyfriend. Everything felt wrong with this whole situation, but I mean I didn’t really know what felt right and what felt wrong. I eventually thought I loved this boy, thought I would die for him. In reality, I would die from him. He was abusive, but I stayed. I “loved” him.

He lied to me. Said I was his forever, told me he loved me. No love should make other people feel like they’re worthless. That’s what he did. He made me feel sorry for myself and cheated. He didn’t help me leave the scene I was in previously. He made me stay in it and get him drugs when he needed a fix. He made me join him and nothing in my life would get done. I almost failed my freshman year of high school. He’s the one that held me back when I tried to get help for myself.

They lied to me when they said there wasn’t going to be a split up. He was an alcoholic and she was hurting, either way I was caught in the middle. Nobody wants to deal with such serious things by themselves and sadly with everything I went through, I was by myself. I had nobody to hold me and tell me everything was okay and that I would make it through everything. Both sets of my grandparents would blame the other parent for the messed up marriage.

My life was a mess. I faced facts at that time, I was going to be a failure and a drug addict like the rest of my family. I was destined to fail. Nobody wanted me around unless it was to party. They didn’t care and still don’t. I was nothing.