I Lied to Myself

I lied to myself. I was told that my anxiety and depression would take over my life. For a good period of time it did. I wasn’t myself, I never acted like myself. I always had a huge smile on my face and I was always laughing. When my depression and anxiety came around due to me being bullied for a good three years and being insecure. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone and when I was made fun of for being different, it really led me down a dark path. I did drugs, I was partying all the time, I self harmed and at a certain point in my life I was suicidal and tried to kill myself because the pain that these people were inflicting on me was more than I could take.

I lied to myself and told myself that I was worthless. I told myself that no matter what I did, I’d still be ugly and unlovable. My smile was ugly, I was a disgusting cow. When I would party and do everything that no 14 year old was supposed to do, I felt good about myself and people wanted me. They wanted and eventually got me. They made me feel like me being a lesbian wasn’t a valid thing in my lifetime. So I told myself I wasn’t a lesbian, I had all these guys who wanted to use me and I wasn’t gay so why would I argue? I had everything set. All these guys wanted me and I “wanted” them.

I lied to everyone around me. Said I was fine when I had so many problems that I needed to figure out. So many issues that nobody should ever deal with. So many people that wanted to see me suffer. Sadly, that’s just what I did. I suffered. I did what I had to do in order to make myself seem valuable and not vulnerable. So I got a boyfriend. Everything felt wrong with this whole situation, but I mean I didn’t really know what felt right and what felt wrong. I eventually thought I loved this boy, thought I would die for him. In reality, I would die from him. He was abusive, but I stayed. I “loved” him.

He lied to me. Said I was his forever, told me he loved me. No love should make other people feel like they’re worthless. That’s what he did. He made me feel sorry for myself and cheated. He didn’t help me leave the scene I was in previously. He made me stay in it and get him drugs when he needed a fix. He made me join him and nothing in my life would get done. I almost failed my freshman year of high school. He’s the one that held me back when I tried to get help for myself.

They lied to me when they said there wasn’t going to be a split up. He was an alcoholic and she was hurting, either way I was caught in the middle. Nobody wants to deal with such serious things by themselves and sadly with everything I went through, I was by myself. I had nobody to hold me and tell me everything was okay and that I would make it through everything. Both sets of my grandparents would blame the other parent for the messed up marriage.

My life was a mess. I faced facts at that time, I was going to be a failure and a drug addict like the rest of my family. I was destined to fail. Nobody wanted me around unless it was to party. They didn’t care and still don’t. I was nothing.

Loss and Gains

Recently, I lost myself. I lost what I thought was everything to me. I felt like I was spiraling downward again and eventually going to get into the same habits that I had in the previous years and that’s something I never wanted to experience again. So in order to not go down into that direction again, what did I have to do to better myself when dealing with something this significant in my life?

I lost my best friend of three years shortly after losing my great grandmother. I felt like I was losing pieces of me every day because I didn’t have my best friend there to help me through anything. Looking back on these events I understand where she came from. Was I still devastated? Absolutely. I would have done anything to turn back time and ask what I did wrong, ask what happened to the both of us. It was pretty obvious after a short amount of time, I shut everything off, I read, stayed in bed. You name it, I did it.

Therefore this meant that I had a lot of time to think to myself and constantly ask myself why, why, why. Why me? Why now? What happened? I never did anything wrong. Her reasoning was that our energies didn’t match up anymore, which was one of the truest reasons that I actually paid attention to. While dealing with the loss of these two people I cherished in my life, I thought to myself. I thought that maybe she was right, maybe it wasn’t me, maybe I’m being dramatic. She was right. We didn’t match up anymore. I was finally getting over things that happened in my life, I was getting better.

I was moving on with my life and moving forward. I focused and am still focusing on graduating high school in may, I am finally getting back to my old self. I’m happy and she isn’t. She has her own problems to deal with and sadly I can’t help her anymore because as mean as this sounds.. I have other things to worry about. Now this doesn’t mean that I wasn’t there for her or anything like that. I was there for her, I was her number one fan and her biggest supporter. Sadly things don’t always end up the way we want them to.

We don’t always get what we want and it sucks when you lose someone but she did what she thought was best for us both. Looking back on it now, I strongly agree with her. I don’t want her feeling like I’m pushing her to do anything of the sorts that she does not want to do and sadly I don’t want her holding me back. I have dreams and aspirations, I have plans to achieve these dreams and aspirations. I have a lot ahead of me and in this time I have plenty more heartbreaks to go through and her ending our friendship is probably a blessing in disguise but I’m not worried about it.

She gave me plenty of memories, memories that I wish to hold on to because I experienced my life with her. I experienced things with her that I never thought I would experience with anyone else. I’m young, I have plenty more things coming my way. I truthfully wish her the best and hold nothing against her. People deal with things that hurt every day. There’s gonna be a time always where something doesn’t go the way you planned and you can’t spend the rest of your life holding something against someone.

Not to mention you never know what life can throw at you or people around you. Nobody wants the last words to someone being “I hate you” or “I never want to see you again”. Don’t hold things against people. Come together as one and make the world better. Make yourself a better person. These do come with limits though. You also need to take care of yourself. Do what’s best for you while making the world a better place and a safer place. Be careful and let go. You’ll be okay, I was.