Would it be different without you?

There’s a lot that people tell you when you’re depressed. They tell you that you don’t have anything to be upset about or that you look so much better when you smile. Sometimes you sit there and you fake the smile that people want to see on you just so that they don’t ask you any questions, because you don’t want to burden them with your problems. You try to be happy and see it the way other people see your depression, but nothing seems to work. You go to the doctor and they give you medication. You take it thinking it will help and then you sit there and contemplate on if it’s even worth it. If you’ll ever get better or if you’ll ever be as happy as what you once were.

You feel empty on the inside. You’ve been suicidal before but never like this, you attempt to take your life. Not once, but multiple times thinking that the world would be so much better without you. You think that no matter what happens your family will move on because your younger sibling is what will make them happy after you’re gone. You go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and turn on the shower in hopes maybe just maybe a hot shower will help you feel better. Instead you sit down and hold yourself. Your tears mix in with the water and you sit there and sob. Not knowing what to do since your own life is meaningless. You have no hope left and just want everything to go away.

Suddenly your performance is dropping and you have no desire to fix it. Instead of going to work, you stay home and sleep all day. You stay in your room filled with the depression and anxiety and let it consume you. People walk in and you hide, you don’t want them to see you like this to become a burden on them. You don’t want them to worry. You feel that the less they see of you the better off they’ll be. You sit up at night, in tears writing about how nothing helps you anymore. How desperately you want to turn back to drugs so they can take your life and you can finally leave this earth. You have a girlfriend who would do anything for you. Who tries so hard to get you out of the “funk” you’re in, because that’s all it is.. a “funk”.

You try and reach out for help at a point and instead your feelings get dismissed. You feel like a piece of trash, even more than what you did before you reached out. Your suicide attempts are for attention, a cry for help. Not you actually wanting to take your life and wanting to be free from the hell that faces you every day. You eventually lose your job because of the fact that you’d rather be home sleeping and hiding. You have no money for the holidays. You feel worthless. Continuing to write about what makes you upset and what you can do to fix it. You never get around to fixing it, instead you make it worse but staring at your pills and contemplating on taking your life.

Then suddenly a family member passes away and your family needs you. You’re so disconnected you’d rather be in your room hiding away, still letting the depression consume you. Now you’re a ball of sadness that nobody wants to be with. You’re family tells you to either suck it up or get out. Instead you’re willing to take the chance of getting kicked out so you die on the streets. You’re done with trying to please everyone because you know that you’ll just disappoint. You feel nothing but emptiness. You can’t do anything right at this point. You go back on your writings and realize that even your writing is horrible. Something you enjoyed doing, you now saw as something you could never be good at.

Nothing helps you, you should be excited going into the new year with the person you love, getting a new job lined up that will help you out tremendously. Instead, your six months hit with the person you love and everything goes downhill. You haven’t heard one thing about your new job yet. Instead you drink your problems away, wanting to turn to drugs again and wishing that just once your attempts worked and you wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore. Just face it. You’re not worth anything to anyone. You’re nothing but a burden. You cry yourself to sleep because you can’t talk to anyone. You walk outside and smoke your cigarette, closing your eyes.. wondering if it would have been different without you. If people would have missed you, if your girlfriend would have moved on smoothly not even wondering about you. If your room would have been transformed into something else without a trace of you in sight.

Your depression constantly overwhelms you and the people around you. You can’t keep people around because truth is, you’re worthless. Nobody wants you. Kiss it goodbye. You find it not worth it anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Not that it ever mattered. Say I love you and goodbye. You’re garbage.

To The Man That Hurt Me

I’ve written this several different times, I cant seem to find the right words to put down but I’m just going to wing it at this point. The words are probably still going to be wrong but here goes nothing. Earlier I was talking to my girlfriend and things kind of took a turn. She went out and saw someone she absolutely hates for her own personal reasons that I wont get into. It made me think though, she’s a strong individual who I love with all my being but I’m not as strong. I was hurt for years. I was taken advantage of when my parents had a rough patch in their marriage. I was molested by a man I never thought would hurt me.

He hurt me in a way that a little girl should never be hurt. I lost everything the first night it happened. I remember it so vividly. His hands were freezing cold, he never cared or had any remorse for what he did while he was doing it. He felt remorse when he got called out. When it happened I was in a rough spot, my family was in a rough spot. We didn’t know how much longer my parents were even going to be together. We wanted to be a happy family. He made me feel safe and he made me remember that nothing that happened with my parents was my fault. He even got close with my mom to make me feel better. He payed more attention to me than he did his own kid.

This obviously isn’t something that’s easy to talk about, I know what kind of attention this whole thing will get but the thing that I’m the most worried about is me finally getting back to normal. So to the man that hurt me, I’m doing better not 100% yet but better. I’m not worried about what’s gonna happen if I get my story out there. People need to know that what happened doesn’t make me feel any less important. Yes, I felt absolutely disgusting and couldn’t sit in the shower long enough, people told me to get over it.. they told me it “wasn’t like I was raped or anything”. I never knew if it was going to get to that point but you know what? I don’t appreciate you for what you did like other people might, I appreciate that I made it through it. You’re a monster and I don’t regret saying that. People like you don’t change.

I don’t wake up screaming and crying anymore. I still hurt, I hurt because your daughter hurt me just as bad as you did. You made me stay up for hours wondering if I’ll ever be able to live my life the same. Wondering if people knew what happened and could see right through me. Wondering if I was ever going to be able to trust another male. The answer to that last one is no. I can’t trust men, I’m working on it. I can’t be around a grown man for more that a minute or else I have a panic attack. People know that I was hurt. They know, you know, and I know. Nobody is safe from you, I hope one day they take you down for what you did. You don’t deserve a single thing you have. I hope you rot.

You took everything, and you’re not sorry for it.

Graduating.

The time has come. I’m about to be a 2018 high school graduate. It’s crazy to think that I could even get this far. I thought I was going to drop out and get kicked out because I couldn’t handle everything that was going on around me. Let alone get up at 5:00 in the morning to get ready for school. High school itself has been an amazing experience for me. I learned what happens in the real world and how people can actually be. I lost people and I made friends. Right now this is my tribute to them. It’s different but they deserve to be thanked. I already thanked all the teachers and everyone who helped me get here and now it’s my friends turns.

Steven Rue: Thank you. Thank you for making me laugh when I always needed it. Thank you for having funny facetime conversations with me. Running to me at 12:30 in the morning because you’re bored. I love you dude, you’ve become my best friend in such a short amount of time and no matter how much I may be an asshole, you still put up with me. I have so much love for you it’s crazy. Thank you for being Steven and loving me with your whole heart.

Cierra Halliburton: We’ve had ups and downs but always seem to find a way back to each other. I love you so much man. You’ve been my best friend for years and I’m always thankful for the things you have done and continue to do for me. I’m thankful for your parents giving me a place to stay when I really needed to get away from my house. I appreciate you listening to me when I needed to vent. I hope after graduation you become one of the most famous tattoo artists there is. You’re amazingly talented and it deserves to be shared with the world.

Kaelan Weatherly: Wow wow wow. You have done so much for me and I haven’t even met you yet. You’re one of a kind. I’m so proud of you for recently discovering yourself and I hope I made you proud. You’re not only one of my best friends but you’re a sister to me. You’ve done more than anyone would ever want to do for me with the distance between us. I can’t wait for the day that I meet the person who I look up to. I’ve told you more about me and my life than I have with anyone else that I’ve become close with on social media. You were there when I lost people and when I gained people. You gained my trust so quick and I know originally we weren’t even trying to be friends but I’m glad this is how the universe wanted us. I love you Kaelan. More than you’ll ever know.

Abby Bauman/Alissa Benedetti: You two. You two are my kids. I love you both so much. I love the rest of my newspaper kids too but I’ve grown such an amazing bond with you two. You two have always looked out for me and I will always look out for you. I have so much love for you two. I have faith that you two are going to do amazing things. Remember this as well, just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean that I’m gone forever. I’ll always be there for you two for as long as you need me. I know how you guys get and I know that sometimes you just need someone. I’m here for the both of you. Thank you for everything that you two have done for me.

I lost a lot of people during senior year. Let me just say that I don’t wish you the worst. Your time will come. I hope nobody hurts you like you have hurt me. I like to think of it this way, you made me the person I am. I am a person who doesn’t take anything from anyone due to the heartbreak you have caused me. I trusted you but I didn’t lose my trust in other people. Maybe you’ll do great things or maybe you wont. Either way, take care of yourself for the sake of your families. It was nice while it lasted but I’m onto better things. All of them without you. Take care.

Hi, I’m Charity

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This here is a picture of me(:

Hi, I’m Charity. As all can tell I’m new to blogging and etc. I mainly wanted to start blogging because I normally have a lot to say if I’m being completely honest. I have a lot that goes down in my life but that is to be saved for later. So a little about me would kind of seem necessary for the moment. So as said before my name is Charity, I’m a 16 year old teenage girl, and I’m a junior in high school. I’m actually the middle child in my family. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. My mom has a good paying job as a billing collector and my father has a well paying job as well as a chef in a casino. Now my blog has the name ‘Hippy Charity’ because I am actually the only hippy in my family. Now I know what the average person thinks when I say “hippy”, see when I say “hippy” I mean a ‘new aged’ hippy because I know what hygiene is. I know how to take care of my body and my teeth and etc. When I say hippy I mean I am for certain things and against certain things. Certain things honestly just really anger me. Hate speech lets talk about that for a second, its wrong on so many levels. Why is someone going to constantly sit there and make someone feel bad because of their religion, sexuality, sex, race, gender, and etc. It’s wrong especially if that person is just a normal harmless person. A person who has never done anything wrong to that one person that decides to hate someone because of something so simple. I don’t support racism, sexism, third-way feminists and there is a reason for the third-way feminists, I don’t appreciate the fact that they believe that women are up top and should come first and etc. Feminism is about equality. It’s not equality if they believe that they should have a higher pay raise than men or women should have all eyes on them. They only focus on women. Women who are being raped, women who are committing suicide and etc. In reality of it all though, women aren’t the only ones. Men and boys are being raped, committing suicide, and all the problems that females have. I’m not bashing on anyone it’s just my opinion and that’s what my blog is mainly about. It’s mainly about my life and my opinions. Now things I do support would be gay marriage, equality, and etc. Anyway that’s just a little about me and what I’m mainly about.